Friday, 25 April 2014

Devil's Collection Agency

Chuck gave us 50 characters... told us to pick 5 of them and gave us 1500 words to write a story... I shoved all 50 characters into a room, picked five of them to play with and did my thing!

Hello friend.  Would you like to pull up a chair and have a drink?  It’s on the house.  Yeah, there’s not many people here yet, but just wait, I’m expecting company.

Even though there’s fifty people or so in this room listening to the quiet wanderer up on stage mumble about his exploits across the realms, nobody is really all that interested in him. 

But I am.

I’m interested enough to know it’s time to pull him off and let the friendly musician have a go before he beats the crap out of the shy guy… with his guitar.

Aaah, and here’s the last of them.

Quick close the doors before they all leave my establishment.  I want you to watch them all squirm as they realise they’re stuck here… mainly the last four who have shown up, and have found the last table is the only table they can sit at.


Oh… hehe… you see none of these people will get along very well.  And I want them to at the very least try. 

In fact, why don’t you join them?  Yes… I’m talking to you.  Here take their orders over there – yes I know what they want – and sit down with them.  It’ll be a tight squeeze, I know, but be the fly on the wall for an hour or so, and see how you go, while the friendly musician goes on stage.

What?  You’re back already?

The biased prostitute did what?  Yeah, should have warned you about her being a mind-reader when she touched you.  No wonder she punched you.  Here’s some ice for that black eye you’re gonna have tomorrow. 

Now, how did you go with the actor? 

Um… he stole your wallet?  Nah, you must have been sitting next to the aggravated thief … he really needs a good friend to turn him straight.  Oh, here he is, returning your wallet with all your stuff inside it.  How cool is that?  Not your wallet, but your stuff is inside it?  Okay… that’s a new experience, isn’t it? 

Oooh… look at that!  The actor is up on the stage quoting Shakespeare.  Very cool.  You don’t see that very often; and he’s great.  Hey looka that!  He’s going to do a play…and… with each character, he physically changes into that character!  Amazing!  Would you like another drink?  And here, let’s look at that eye of yours, it looks okay for now.  Go and sit down and enjoy the play… it’s a great classic.

Whose business card’s that?  Interesting!  An assistant… but who do they work for?  This is what I want to know… but then, I’m only a bar tender… anyway, I have other customers to serve… back soon.

Okay, let’s see that card… doesn’t say much.  Have you talked to them?  No?  Try to, see if they’re okay, because, mate, that one looks really tired.  Here give them a cup of coffee on me. 

Didn’t want the coffee?  Okay, that’s cool.  No probs.  I’ll let them come to me.  Isn’t the show amazing?  That actor hasn’t missed a beat… or a character!  Really great!  I love this play too – Romeo and Juliet – one of my all-time favourites.  I remember when it first came out at The Globe Theatre… it was fantastic!  I played … oh never mind.  Here have another drink.  And go and find out what the hell that burnt out assistant is hiding, could you?  I want to know all about my … customers… okay?  Good, thanks. 

What? Still won’t tell you?  Buy her a drink… get her drunk… screw her brains out… do what it takes to get her to tell you.  Are you shy about having sex in a public place?  I’ve seen so many of the customers here just go for it because I’ve wanted to know something about somebody else… it’s the ultimate blackmailing material to use against another person – especially if it means they don’t want anyone else to know something about them.

So, go… screw her and find out what her deep, dark, oh so dirty secret is… and come back here.

Hey, it’s been hours, where have you been?  Oh… you got her into bed… and she … hehe… mind-melded with you?  Great one!

Yeah I knew she’d do that.  Okay… cya, come back and talk to me when you can, if she lets you.

Hey, getting drinks for your table… good.  The assistant has you working well, doesn’t she?  What’s that?  You want to go home?

I’m sorry but you can’t leave now.  And your girlfriend won’t like it either… in fact she’ll kill you first before I will.

Why?  Aah, well, here’s the deal, buddy.  You’re to stay here until you get to know those five people at that table intimately.  And until such time you do, I can’t let you outa here. 

Why?  Because I said so asshole.

Hey… listen I make the rules here… and I tell you what to do, where to go and how to act.  These people and things are here because they screwed up on my watch… and they come to my bar because they belong to me. 

After all you made the deal, right.

You sealed it with a big, sloppy ol’ kiss… yep thought so.  You got a grope out while you were doin’ it, didn’t ya?  No?  Oh… you scored a dude to kiss… sorry about that.  Nah… not really, that’s piss funny!  But your ass and your soul belong to me now… and what I say goes around here.

So, go and do your shit at that table until I tell you otherwise.


Listen, friend… haven’t you figured out who I am yet?

I’m not a demon…

I’m not an angel – as you may have figured out.

I’m … yeah, that’s right… oh shit…

You’ve died because my debt collector has come to your door knocking … and it’s time to pay your dues. 

And you’re paying them up front,

In cash not credit,

With your soul and mind,

And until such time, I think you’re ready to be let out into the world again I’m not letting you go.

When will that be?

Until I get bored with you  and until your new sex fiend of a girlfriend does too… and that won’t be for a very long time! Hey look a new customer.  Go and sit down with those five over there.  Play nice and don’t be a bitch about anything… just do as you’re told!

Hello friend.  Would you like to pull up a chair and have a drink?  It’s on the house.  Yeah, there’s not many people here yet, but just wait, I’m expecting company.